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Literature Text
Dammit, kid. I missed the way you walk.
I missed your smiling purposefulness; I missed how small you are.
I’d forgotten until I saw you crossing the street to me –
shabby midday ghetto parking lot, and you
light blue in your pinstriped dress shirt,
self-contained, alert.
I pretended to read until you opened the door
because waiting for you feels like suffocating; watching you hurts too much.
And dear Jesus, I guess you didn’t know that I wanted to help you
when your small hands fumbled with your shirt collar.
Dear Jesus, kid, I guess you’ll never know how happy you make me.
I missed your smiling purposefulness; I missed how small you are.
I’d forgotten until I saw you crossing the street to me –
shabby midday ghetto parking lot, and you
light blue in your pinstriped dress shirt,
self-contained, alert.
I pretended to read until you opened the door
because waiting for you feels like suffocating; watching you hurts too much.
And dear Jesus, I guess you didn’t know that I wanted to help you
when your small hands fumbled with your shirt collar.
Dear Jesus, kid, I guess you’ll never know how happy you make me.
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Ticked that dA won't let me use ampersands in titles. Anywho, I wrote again. I would appreciate any sort of feedback, as always. If you would like to do me a favor, feel free to answer any of these questions, but again, any sort of feedback is great.
How’s the punctuation?
Does the profanity seem unnecessary?
Any phrases that you wished flowed better?
Did the ending seem clichéd or off in any way?
Does the title’s focus on location detract from what you thought the poem was saying?
How’s the punctuation?
Does the profanity seem unnecessary?
Any phrases that you wished flowed better?
Did the ending seem clichéd or off in any way?
Does the title’s focus on location detract from what you thought the poem was saying?
© 2013 - 2024 gummyrabbit
Comments2
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There's a certain level of grit to the piece that I think the profanity lends itself to. Honestly, with just the description of the parking lot, to clean it up wouldn't do it any favors.
I like it
I like it